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iFunny Joke

An old lady always gave da bus conductor cashew nuts, almonds to eat.

Conductor: So kind of u dat u give me those nuts to eat. Why dont u eat them urself?

Old lady: I dont've teeth to munch dem. Conductor: Then y did u buy them?

Old lady: I just love d chocolate around them.

I'm Loosing My WIFE
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counsellor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a b**ch, die!'"


The Boss
The boss is battling with his Maths & asks his secretary: "If I gave you $75,536 million, minus 17%, how much will you take off"
"Everything sir my dress, my shoes, bra & G-string!!!"

Four Catholic Ladies
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. 
The first one tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. 
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".' 
The second Catholic woman chirps, 'Well, my son is an Archbishop. 
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace".' 
The third Catholic woman says smugly, 'Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. 
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence".' 
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle 'Well...?' She replies, 'My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. 
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "Oh, my God..."
Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
God Doesn't Have Bicycles

When I was a boy I prayed to god for a new bike for me. Than I realized that god doesn't work so he doesn't have bicycle or money, Only he has is full of forgiveness.

So I stole one instead and asked him for forgive me.

Where Do You Expect to Find a Lawyer?

The gate breaks down between heaven and hell. St. Peter comes to examine the damage, and then he calls the devil.
"That darn gate broke again," hesays. "It's your turn to fix it."
"Forget it," says the devil. "My people are too busy."
"But we had a deal," says St. Peter, "and if you don't honor it, I'll haveto sue you for breach of contract."
The devil laughs. "Sure you will. And just where do you expect to find a lawyer?"
One Thousand Valentine Cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies

Just before thanksgiving Jim and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when Jim keel's over and collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Eddie gets out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, 'My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?' The operator says, 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the Eddie says, 'OK, now what?'


Arnorld approaches Maria and says "Maria, the maid wants another raise"
After little thought
"Maria says: Screw her"


A little boy went up to his father and asked; "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
 The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks by myself."


This is a conversation that took place between a person(Y) in the
public and a marketing guy(X).

X: Which shaving cream do you use?

Y: Baba's
X: Which aftershave do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which deodorant do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which toothpaste do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which shampoo do you use?
Y: Baba's
X (Frustrated): Okay, tell me, What is this Baba? Is it an
international company???
Y: No, He is my roommate.

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might
be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of
the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered,
"He's in my heart." Little Johnny,  waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
"I know! ! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet,
 looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at
a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and
asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said,
"Well...every morning, my father gets up,
 bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,
 "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
 One of the youngsters pointed to a picture nd asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
him when you took his picture?"